I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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