Christians are straight up FREAKS
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
