I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
