I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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