Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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