I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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