Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
we're making bets on your personal life
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
