I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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