im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
