I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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