dude i'm inner monologue high
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
