end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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