If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
