I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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