We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize