When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
