All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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