Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
