One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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