i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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