if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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