Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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