Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
