If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
