I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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