i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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