She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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