lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
