I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
