Don't make out with my wife yet
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
