So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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