if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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