goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
