He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
