woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
