Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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