to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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