Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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