Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
