I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
barbara walters just said penis...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
