One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
