i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
