the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
