this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
