Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
