Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
