tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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