Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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