lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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