she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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