i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
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I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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